July 4th has a special meaning for me; new movies come out, Summer is in full swing and there are chicks who want to wear bikinis. Even fat chicks. They have a right to wear a bikini too, I don’t discriminate. I do make fun of them, but not loud enough that the sound resonates off of their fatty fatty fat fat and they hear it.

The movie Independence Day will always have a place in my heart because they took two of my favorite things (Fresh Prince and that dude from Jurassic Park) and made them fight aliens together.

Welcome to Erf.

One of the first movies that my brother and I ever went to see with just the two of us was on July 4th; we saw The Patriot with Mel Gibson. There’s a scene in the beginning of the movie involving bezerker rage and tomahawks that makes me realize that Mel Gibson would be an amazing Old Man Logan. Also, I just looked it up: The Patriot was directed by Roland Emmerich, the same guy who did Independence Day. Kooky.

This July 4th, good ol’ Roland (I want to call him Rolo or Roly-Poly, is that weird?) has a new movie coming out: White House Down. Jaime Foxx plays the President and shoots guns, even though after filming his last movie (Django Unchained) he said that he hates guns and thinks that violence in movies is twisting our children. Which is complete bullshit, by the way, because what Kevin McCallister does in Home Alone twisted my morals and actions way more than any unrealistic gun violence. Also, I wonder if Foxx’s Electro character in The Amazing Spider-Man 2 will commit any violent acts. I mean, it’s not possible that Electro just goes around looking suspicious and wearing a hoodie without committing any illegal acts and just minds his own business…maybe Spider-Man can team up with George Zimmerman to take him down!

Dr. Manhattan sure does look suspicious...

Still here? Good…I think we lost some people. Anyways, another tidbit related to Roland Emmerich, who has a history of July 4th releases including The Patriot and Independence Day, is that he is now releasing information about the next Independence Day movies, titled Independence Day Forever Part 1 and Part 2. One tidbit about the new movies Roly-Poly gave away is that there will be a homosexual character. Question, Rolo: What sexuality was David’s boss in the first movie? He was so gay it hurt, I mean the man was wearing a plaid button-up for Christ’s sake! But you know what? I can’t remember anyone ever saying anything negative about him. Nobody did. No one in the movie made a big deal about who or what he was, and the main character set an example by treating him like he did everyone else. The movie stands as a shining reference to how a person’s sexuality should be in movies and real life: not a big deal. The gay dude in the first movie was funny, charming, a good actor and enhanced the movie when he was in it without anyone mentioning sexuality. I feel like Roly-Poly just shit all over that dude. The character is gay, Roland, not German. Fucking idiot.

This July 4th it can’t decide between raining and sunshine, and it keeps switching every 15 minutes. Such is life in Fayetteville, NC I guess, but I think it's a good metaphor for how Hollywood treats big issues. I just want some good movies. 

Thanks for reading, and tell me about YOUR Independence Day in the comments section! Seriously, that comments section isn’t going to write itself, you guys have to come do it. I won’t do it, because then I’m commenting to myself and that’s cray-cray for real-real, not for play-play.

Happy 4th, and if you see any Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen or Marines you buy them a beer because your freedom came at a price, mufuggas. They have been doing that shit for 238 years, and they did it with guns. And guts. And balls. Lots of balls. Big, giant balls.