Sometimes I find myself complaining about video games. This game is too short, that game is too long. The graphics aren’t good enough on this game; they should have spent time on something OTHER than graphics on that game. The story sucks on this game, and that game could have done without a story. I’m going to break away from this pessimistic pastime of mine and do something different: Come up with my own damn ideas. Here’s the first 3 of many to come!
Game #1: Bring back Yo! Noid. It was one of the hardest, most ridiculous and frustrating games on the NES and I loved every copyrighted minute of it. For those of you unfamiliar with the Noid, he’s this red bunny-looking guy that was in Domino’s pizza advertisements. The game itself could be based on the true story of Kenneth Lamar Noid, who thought that the Noid character was a personal attack on his character and on January 30, 1989 took hostages at his local Domino’s Pizza. In the game, you play as Kenneth and force the hostage employees to make more pizza, because more pizza equals more ransom money. Don’t ask how that makes sense, this guy is batshit nuts okay? There would be a Real-Time Strategy / Tower Defense element to the game as well, where you would block police officers from getting to you with cardboard boxes that the fictional Noid character could pop out of and stab/shoot/eat whole any trespassers. See, the appearance of the fictional character makes you wonder if it is really there, how crazy Kenneth Noid is and if the police are really the good guys. This is when you question your own sanity, and the genius of the Yo! Noid reboot is truly realized.
Game #2: Killing Me Softly. That’s the name of the game, though let me say now that it is based loosely on the Fugees song and not that movie where Heather Graham gets naked and Joseph Fiennes bangs his sister…though we may be able to mix the two. So this is at first glance your run-of-the-mill rhythm or music game like Rock Band or Guitar Hero, but there’s a masochistic Joseph Fiennes on the screen who wants to be punished for his incest by his on-screen wife Naked Heather Graham. If you mess up the song, she hurts him with a random item all BDSM style. If you’re good with these music games, Heather Graham dances around naked. If you suck at these games or if you want to see Naked Heather Graham beat up on some dude who likes his sister more than anybody else does, then you too can win big. Use the famous Fugees jam for the title screen, and you have a smash hit.
Game#3: “Batman: Arkham Toys R’ Us” is an idea I’ve had for a while. Take the engine from the previous Batman games, and set the caped crusader in an extremely large toy store. There’s just something honestly amusing about big ol’ Batman beating up on little snot-nosed toddler punks. Don’t dumb it down, either; Batman better be at least 30 years old in this game, and have the Joker be, like, seven years old. It’ll be creepy as hell, and you’ll feel so overpowered as The Dark Knight while punching badguy babies in their faces it will be the closest we’ve ever gotten to playing a good Superman game. In Japan, they’ll think this game is sexier and more provocative than game #2 so (naturally) sales will be awesome.